“The world becomes grey where you just don’t care about anything, good or bad. I was feeling it, I was living it.”
Paul Waring saw himself as an upbeat person, with purpose and happiness in his life, but the global outbreak of coronavirus in early 2020 took that away from him as tournaments were either cancelled or postponed to help contain the disease.
When the DP World Tour schedule was given the go-ahead to resume after a four-month absence, the Englishman struggled to adjust to the new norm of face masks, social distancing, regular testing and playing behind closed doors.
For the first time, Waring appreciated what depression was.
Speaking candidly to the DP World Tour earlier this season, as part of a feature to coincide with Mental Health Awareness week which begins on Monday, Waring reflects on the psychological impact the Covid-19 pandemic had on him.
“Nobody is immune, bullet proof from mental health,” he says. “When it hits you, you can’t really do much about it.
“If you haven’t had any experience of it, you don’t know how to deal with it, you can’t explain it.”
For him, and for so many others, the emotion was taken out of everything.
“I could generally see how someone could get in a real mess, and it was scary," he says.
While fully aware and grateful for his existence as a professional golfer, amid the hardship others less fortunate were facing, there was a general apathy that overtook Waring.
“You can’t trick yourself to have purpose,” he said.
“I found it hard to even get out of bed some days… I just wanted to sit and watch crap on TV and do nothing. There was no reason to do anything else.”
As the restrictions affecting those competing were lifted, the turning point for Waring came a year after the initial outbreak.
Ahead of a three-week stint of events in Spain, he brought along his good friend Alex Evans to be his caddie.
In the case of two of the events in Tenerife, there was a particular significance as it was where the pair had often visited.
"It was somewhere that was a real positive part of my life, so to go there as these restrictions were lifted brought me out of it a little and reminded me of everytuing that I enjoy doing," said Waring.
A support in that process, was the advice of Lee Crombleholme, a sports psychologist who worked with a number of golfers including Waring.
He was instrumental in flipping Waring's approach from prioritising performance to human welfare.
When he came to gradually enjoy the travel again, the focus on results returned.
"I don't think you ever get rid of it," he says of the challenges of mental health.
"I think you learn to live with it. The dangerous thing is just because someone is walking around with a smile on their face, is happy and jovial, you don't know what is going on inside a lot of the time."
Above all, his biggest learning is to accept there should be no guilt attached to psychological struggles. It is for that reason the highs are all the more special.
His career-best performance so far came with victory at the Abu Dhabi HSBC Championship, a Rolex Series event, towards the end of the 2024 season.
It was a result that earned him dual membership status with the PGA TOUR at the age of 39.
"There is nothing like winning," he reflects. "That feeling of that putt going in on the 18th (in Abu Dhabi) is one I will never feel again."
